by themselves

One of my coworkers approached me today with a question. He has plans to study abroad next semester, and he know I traveled once (over six years ago). His question was whether I would recommend him breaking-up with his girlfriend while he's gone. He offered a half-hearted disclaimer of, "we've been off-and-on for about a year..." But even without the weak explanation my immediate response was, "absolutely."

The young man was taken off-guard. I'm guessing he expected a bit of questioning from me before I made my call. So I explained that, "a trip over-seas expands you in every aspect of your life, and you owe it to yourself to allow that expansion to reach it's full potential. This is simply not possible while keeping the home-fires burning."

We had a lengthy discussion about the whole issue. He felt comfortable confiding in me, which wasn't surprising. Though he's a junior in college, he is still younger than my youngest brother, yet we share the similarities of being English majors. Furthermore I am engaged and represent a person at the end of the search. The enlightenment of engagement at my age is something I have discovered primarily through others' perception of me. I enjoy sharing my stories, though, with the thought they might help. Stories about intellectual stimulation, and then eventual dissapointment. Throughout I continually drew him back to the conclusion that traveling solo is the ultimate favor he could do for himself.

I didn't tell him he had already broken up with his girlfriend (in his heart), because it sounded harsh to me. Truthfully, though, he had. Broken up. Left her. Here's how I know: no one seeks staying-advice from strangers unless they already want to leave.

My heart was growing cold, but I knew if I spoke to my closest friends they would remind me to forgive and love and remember the fondness of our beginnings. My friends would have sought to save me suffering, without actually realizing that the suffering had been going on for some time.

After I knew the coldness had set in in my heart I turned to strangers. People I worked with. Asking. Just like the young man I work with. Asking. I heard from my strangers the same advice I gave today as a stranger.

Good relationships have problems, but they aren't mentioned to strangers. It's when someone needs the straight jive and can't admit it to themselves that they ask a stranger to tell them what they have already concluded all by themselves.