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Give me community!

For years I've been struggling to find a place to snuggle up to and feel a part of. My mind expands out into the environment and seeks companionship - to become a part of the collective - but has been met with cold looks. For years I have longed for the feeling I received when crossing the Ped Mall at Lee U: encounters with friends, associates, teachers, campus staff, acquaintances, crushes, ex-roommates, and long-lost freshman-year friends. Each one playing a separate role as I pass them and exchange an individual greeting, like an inside joke or a reminder of a project; possibly (likely) a hug. I could easily find 20+ hugs between in the ten minutes between classes. My schedule was blocked in a way that kept multiple plates spinning, but all the plates were interlocking (try and visualize that). One class project connects to the club event which coordinates with getting the band to play which involves people from work. We were a community!

In New York I had meaningful work as the Household Manager and Childcare Provider of a wealthy lawyer-couple. But it was their community, and not mine. I was given no credit for the contribution I made (until this past summer; thanks Mr. C.) because I was not the person who hired me. Mother's with nanny's still take credit for their children. My room was the size of a pantry (because I think it once was). I went back and forth between the tight quarters of the house and the vast sea of bodies in Manhattan. Neither lent much comfort during that year. I just didn't have enough time.

In Indiana I just began tasting community, only to have to uproot myself when my program turned against me. There was a bar there, though, where the bouncer knew me and recognized when I hadn't been in a while. It was a "townie" bar and before I approached, the bartender would have my drink ready. It was a place I could arrive to without reservation or phone calls because I knew who would be there on Saturday. There was another joint for Friday. And Thursday. But the mid-west just isn't for me. My blessings unfurled in the form of Love and the Lowcountry: just what I needed!

When I moved to Charleston my fiance had a roommate, and he found me a room to rent from a classmate of his. In the beautiful creekside town-home where I kept my things, I never was given space. I had to keep all my things in my bedroom, or else my roommate would unceremoniously push them in there when I was away. At Mike's apartment I was always welcomed, but it wasn't mine. He and his roommate had their whole system and I had no territory.

Finally we wed! For two blissful years I kept a home, and had my place. It was the first time in four years I had been able to entertain! I love filling my house with people. But I knew it was only to last two years. It's hard to be newly weds and socialites. Just as we were leaving, we began to feel a part of the community. Just as we were leaving was when we could walk through the farmer's market or the French-quarter art-walks and encouter a variety of people we knew.

Then it was gone. Columbus gave me a department to work in, opportunities for volunteering, and a few friends. I'm beginning to feel a connection here and am excited about the first warm-weather barbecue by the pool! But I must not forget that it will probably be the last barbecue by the pool. Here. It's just time to move again.

I have not been unhappy for the last seven years, but part of me has been unfulfilled. Part of me that needs community has been unsatisfied for so long. I realize that may have become the theme of this blog, but I can't refrain from articulating this acute desire I have. It's so rare that I can identify my desires in the first place!

So I'm going to try and translate this into my whole life. For years I felt that I needed to always be a part of a university in order to feel the way I felt while I was attending one. In the real world, though, I'm observing that people do work and live together in concert within their communities. They advocate and vote and petition and plan. They work on a project connected to the club event which coordinates with getting the band to play which involves people from work.

Previously I wanted to be a part of a university to feel this sense of community, so I picked my favorite subject and plowed forward. But it's not the subject I want to commit my life to, but the environment I'll be in while using that subject. I don't want to be a linguist forever; I want to work at a university (specifically, I had wanted Lee University) and become involved in all it's functions, but that requires an advanced degree.

This seems a little backwards to me now, though. I don't want to study something so that the side-effect of my degree is a career I want. There must be a more direct way!

This thought isn't entirely completed, but I'm at the end of words now.